Well here we go, new year big news. New baby on the way! Once more into the breach. It’s says a lot about how confident I am that none of my family members read this that I am able to announce that we are having a new baby despite not really having told any of them yet and knowing that I don’t think any of them will know. That is not a complaint by the way, I have done a pretty good job of burying this blog in a way that I get to just share whatever I want without any anxiety of family blowback. It’s just me and you dear reader. We got secrets.
It is absolutely WILD the difference already having a child makes in the way that I feel about our family being pregnant again. There’s way less fear this time around. I know what to expect, I know that I can handle from now until the child is 18 months old at least because I’ve already done that once. Past this point is yet to be determined but I think all signs are pointing to success (we had Jo’s 18 month appointment yesterday and it was all good feedback so I’m riding that high at the moment). Getting the news was much more excitement and much less fear than the first time around. This time two years ago I don’t think I went more than an hour without having a minor mental panic attack about the fact that I was about to be a dad for the first time. I’m already dad now, and I’m enjoying it.
Now that’s not to say that I am not having anxieties or I’m thinking that this will be easy because just getting dressed in the morning with my daughter around is way harder than it has any right to be, so this is definitely going to be tough. Not only that but after visiting with friends this weekend who are navigating life with 6 month old twins, we were told in no uncertain terms many times over that this isn’t a 1+1=2 situation but more a 1+1=10 type thing coming our way. I’m bad at math anyways so I hadn’t run the numbers but that doesn’t seem great. We have also been told by everyone who I thought was going to be satisfied that we were having one child that we in fact needed more and that we needed to aim to miss the dreaded 2 under 2 milestone. We look to be missing that by about a month if our due date holds true. Right up to that line without crossing it.
Having both babies close in age was definitely intentional on our part. I just keep thinking about diapers and sleep training and bottles and breast feeding and goddamn does starting all of that over again after Jo is no longer needing any of that sounds like a nightmare. Truly I don’t know if I have it in me. My strength wanes with each passing day. Time is slowly grinding me into a soft powder and I will soon blow away in the breeze. These are the thoughts that go through my head every morning when I start hearing my daughter’s good morning dissertations through the monitor at 7 am. So we decided we would start trying for our second around our anniversary this year and we fucking nailed it on the first try. Called my shot and made it. This is all unnecessary information but I want it out there somewhere. Apparently it’s crude to take a victory lap at family dinner for things like this so it’s happening here instead. Stopped birth control for our November trip and pregnant in December. Bam.
This is further evidence that even my wife does not read my blog posts or I would be worried about getting in trouble for that last paragraph. I will update if she gets me for this but I don’t think it’s happening. Back to the subject at hand, I do think that 2 babies under 2 would probably damage my soul in a way that would change me forever, but 2 babies under 25 months will obviously bypass all of that. We got this. I got this. It’s fine. At this point there are only two anxieties that are weighing on me, and they actually both have to do with Jo and how this is all going to affect her. I don’t know what it’s going to be like for her going from my one and only focus for pretty much every hour that she is awake to suddenly having to share all of that with a new baby. Also what happens to the family dynamic when, out of newborn circumstance, Amy has to spend more time focusing on the newborn and I take point with Jo? Things will shift. Shifting is rarely good.
I have been wracking my brain trying to find ways to communicate with Jo that there is going to be another baby here soon and she’s about to be a big sister but like, I can’t even communicate that we have watched Trash Truck 200 times and it’s only 20 episodes long and there is so much more on Netflix just Trash Truck so can we please just do a different show tonight? Family dynamics is out of the questions. I mean I’ve tried. I’ve definitely told her. She just stared at me blankly and asked to watch Trash Truck so I don’t think it sunk in. It’s gotta be hard for someone her age to deal with that though. She didn’t ask for a sibling, she didn’t ask to share our attention, she doesn’t understand that this doesn’t impact our feelings for her at all and that she is still just as loved as before. I’m the oldest child in my family but I was 5 when by first sibling was born and I was all for it. I also got a Super Nintendo around that time so I was kind of looking for less attention so I could do my own thing and now that I’m thinking about it this actually explains a lot about my family interactions at the time. Case in point, I think this is going to not be great for her and I am very concerned I am about to traumatize my daughter in some irrevocable way.
Along with this is me remembering some of the struggles I had with the way the baby and Amy bonded in her first 6 months of life that kind of left me feeling on the outside looking in. On the one hand I see this as being easier because I will still have Jo and I will actually be spending even more time with her than I already do and that should help us build an even stronger bond between the two of us. I have actually already seen that happen when Amy has had to go out of town for work for stretches and when she comes back Jo has definitely grown more attached to me, at least for a few days until they get back into their normal routine. I see this being a similar situation, but way more intense due to all of the factors that come with having a newborn and I don’t know how to make sure it is handled properly. I don’t want Amy and Jo to grow apart. I don’t want me and the new baby to not bond. Amy and I are going to for sure grow apart, at least for awhile, but hopefully we can find our way back again like we did last time. What if these are the types of things that cause a child to pick a favorite parent and it becomes a thing for the rest of our lives?
I’m stressing myself out again just typing this. So see, it’s not all excitement and confidence. Plenty of anxiety to go around. Maybe I will start looking into parenting groups that have dealt with situation like this before. If you are reading this and are a parent who has dealt with these issues and has some advice please feel free to share. I know none of this is new or deep, but this is just where my anxiety is thriving right now. I will allow myself one stress post like this per month and call it therapy. Next one is back to painting probably. Take care all.
-CDL
